text and images britt-arnhild
Overwhelmed by your caring, your thoughts, prayers, words, comments. Non-bloggers have no idea what all this fuss is about. Friends on every continent. Sitting in my sofa in a Nordic House in the Woods, far away, still close enough to be hugged all through the day from world wide friends.
It was not easy to write yesterday´s post. In the end I almost deleted it. I am glad I pressed the post it button instead. Glad I found the courage to share my vulnerability, my tears, my anxiety.
My nose is healing. When I went to bed last night I laid for a long, long time. Didn´t want to go to sleep, wanted to wrap myself in the lovely feeling of breathing freely through my nose.
Breathing, air to fill the lungs, the brain, the heart. That´s what my panic attacks have focused on. Or at the edge of panic attacks. I am lucky, I have never really been inside an attack.
Many years ago a friend of mine, a young mother of two small boys, a wife, died of lung cancer. I´ve always thought it must be the worst death there is. Not being able to breath.
My last days have had detours to Japan.
My brother Børge, the one who wrote the blog post about the creation of new land in Iceland, came with a beautiful bonsai.
Jane and Lanny, the Californians who spent three weeks with us this summer, brought several gifts when they arrived. Among the gifts were two Japanese flower paintings, bought by Jane´s parents when they lived in Japan when Jane was a girl. I look at the paintings every day, admiring them, loving them. I plan to have them framed and hung in our hallway. To be seen, admired, loved by me and by all who enters The House in the Woods.
I am reading The Hare With Amber Eyes, a Hidden Inheritance by Edmund de Waal. When de Waal inherited a collection of "netsuke" from a grand uncle in Japan, he decided to trace down his family history. A history which takes him to Odessa, Paris, Vienna, London and Japan. An amazing book. I am not telling you more about it, you must read it yourself :-)
I am feeling better today. We are invited to my parents for dinner, at this time of the year it is time for lamb. Before that I might........well, I don´t quite know yet, but I feel fit and ready to embrace life, very carefully.
Photos, the bonsai Børge gave me, in the livingroom window yesterday afternoon when the sun went down. Part of my collection of the letter B